Nasty emails join yelling, silent treatment when couples deal with conflict. Cutthroat tactics are not the answer

Oct. 9, 2006. 01:00 AM

NAOMI CARNIOL LIFE WRITER

The latest weapon in the war between the sexes is the e-bomb — firing off a nasty email rather than discussing a problem face-to-face.

Fighting fairly may be a lost art in techno-savvy times. Yet it's still a crucial one.

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If people learned to fight fairly early on, "it would save a lot of relationships and certainly improve the quality of many," says couples therapist Karen Hirscheimer.

Ali and Gabriel Martell, 28 and 31, of Thornhill, were quite young when they got married eight years ago. In the beginning, Ali used to shout a lot during disagreements.

Keeping calm was Ali's challenge. "I'm a big yeller by nature," she says. Over time, she learned to control her voice. "I did a lot of things, like counting to 10."

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Gabriel changed, too, and quit bottling things up, Ali says.

"The only reason I would know if he was angry about something is ... he'd be moody and broody. It would take me 25 minutes to get some sort of feedback from him."

He may have been trying to avoid hurting her feelings, Hirscheimer says, but that solves nothing. "It creates a buildup of resentment and that can lead to couples really drifting apart."

Ali explained to her husband he needed to share his concerns so she'd know what was upsetting him and they could resolve it.

Gradually, he became much more comfortable telling Ali what bothers him, like his concern over the swearing she sometimes uses in her blog.

Ali listened to her husband and told him though she doesn't swear in daily life because she doesn't want their three children to pick up the habit, the blog is her personal outlet.

She offered to try not to over-use swear words, swearing online from time to time.

"He was okay with that. I heard what he was saying and he heard what I was saying. That's pretty typical of how we argue now."

Being willing to hear the other person's perspective is crucial, couples counsellors say.

And don't get defensive when your partner is trying to tell you what they're upset about.

Try active listening, paraphrasing your partner's concerns after listening to them, Hirscheimer says. Let them know their thinking makes sense.

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Know when to pick your battles. "It's draining and exhausting if everything becomes a fight," Hirscheimer says.

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Stand up for things that define your sense of self but compromise on preferences.

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